#002

 

The Overwhelm of Overwhelm

 

Do you agree with that theory? Let me give you the lowdown and then you can see if your perspective on the matter, your matter, has changed.

Last week I was driving in London. I don’t like London. I don’t like the smell; I don’t like the people; I don’t like the attitude. I live in Kent, and have done all of my life. I’m used to country lanes and people smiling as you walk past them. I’m not used to pavements being packed with people fighting for a way through. It’s too aggressive, too impersonal and just plain selfish. Hey, but it’s always been like this…well that doesn’t mean it’s right. It’s an attitude that sums up our philosophy in the West, sort of, fuck everyone else, this is all about me.

That’s not what I’m about.

I had to drive through central London. The attitude of the pavement is also true of the road. People in cars think that they are the most important thing on the planet and will do anything, I mean literally crumple their car, to get ahead of you. It is stressful, deeply unpleasant, and utterly unnecessary.

I got stressed. I was overwhelmed with cars coming at me from all sides; people stepping out into the road thinking that they are stronger than a chunk of metal; and buses just pulling out with no thought to any other traffic. It was a sensory overload and I hated every single minute of it.

I was overwhelmed.

I recently read a book about The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, and you can take a quiz in the book to find out if this refers to you. I scored very highly on the test, and it left little doubt in my mind that I was indeed an HSP. Suddenly things made sense; my reaction to certain things, my emotional response to certain things. I was hit with the reality that it wasn’t me being stupid or weak, it was a thing, some people are born with this. It’s a sensory overload that causes anxiety and overwhelm.

There I was in the car getting ready to scream and my partner next to me trying to calm me down by helping but it wasn’t helping because her talking was more sensory overload that I couldn’t handle and Mrs Google trying to guide me through the city and that was a sensory overload and then I took the wrong turn and then cars were coming at me again and POP! I exploded!

My training had let me down. I was no longer connected to The Force. I was losing points for stamina and confidence and my skill level took a lethal hit. My energy instantly lowered and I felt weak, truly weak. Had I not been in the driving seat of a car in the middle of a city I had every intention of getting out of as quickly as possible; I would have hit shut down and hibernated to regather strength.

I was done. But I continued on the journey and we got home safely.

As the days past and my confidence recovered, because yes it does take time for some people, I began to see that in the midst of the moment I had a choice. I ran it past myself in the only way I can, and that is by using some tenuous link to the arts, and I picked up an old Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Fighting Fantasy were huge when I was a mere smaller version of myself. Ian Livingstone and Steve Jackson were my literary gods for a time. I was also an avid reader of Way of the Tiger and Lone Wolf. I still have a couple of the old books from those days, my favourite, APPOINTMENT WITH F.E.A.R. was published in 1985.

I picked it up, and leafed through the aged pages and saw overwhelm in a different light.

We always have a choice. Like the books, like video games, we have to make decisions based on the current situation and possible outcomes. We choose instinctively but not always for the best. Most of our choices are based on previous reactions and outcomes, or what we have been taught or shown.

I chose to shut myself down to a level where I could get us out of the situation safely, but reduce all forms of noise. It was not the best option, and it caused an argument with my partner that caused me to further shut down. Now, days later, I do see that a choice could have been made for the better.

139

You hit the crossroads. All around you, cars beep and sirens scream and you can feel your heart race. You are entering panic mode, waves of anxiety push through your mind. Your body reacts physically, making it difficult to breathe and to focus. But you have to do something otherwise you will be stuck in the city forever.

If you choose to get out of the car turn to page 93. If you have Mindfulness Skill and choose to use that then lose 2 skill points and turn to page 54. If you choose to slam your foot on the accelerator and race away as quickly as possible turn to page 241. If you choose to remain still, turn to page 98.

 

We always have a choice. My overwhelm may not have been a choice, because that was due to my high sensitivity which was hereditary; but my reaction was a choice. I chose to tell my partner to shut up. That was not a good choice. It hurt her and it hurt me that I had hurt her. Of the above choices which one would you think is the better? I reckon turning to page 54 would have been the correct choice.

It's so hard to know that we have a choice in everything we do; especially when it comes to our emotions. Yet we do. We cannot do anything about our thoughts, good or bad they will be there and they should be there. If you have bad thoughts of harming or suicide like I do, I can tell you from my experience that this will not change; not even with medication. However, you can choose your reaction to those thoughts. You have a choice all of the time. You choose to laugh, cry, be calm, get angry, be anxious. These are all options on the table of life and you pick one to satisfy the situation. When you get it wrong you then choose to feel guilty and internalise your emotions to effectively cut yourself off from those that love you. It’s all a choice. Sorry, when I say you, I mean me.

Life is a game. Life is full of options and choices and we do it every day. You want eggs or bacon? Choice. You want tea of coffee? Choice. You want to wake up and go to work or stay home and then face the consequences? Choice.

Practice your choice making skills on Choose Your Own Adventure books. You can still get them, online or in book shops. Then practice your choice making skills with meditation. Unlock your imagination to see possible outcomes in your life and then trust your instinct, your heart, your soul.

If you want to get mad then get mad, but do it knowing that you chose that, and you must then deal with the outcome. There is no right or wrong, there only is. As long as it is true to you, then it is the right thing for you.